Interestingly, I'm having difficulty coming up with a time I have disparaged or someone has disparaged me. I'm wondering if this, like childbirth, is so painful that I choose to not remember?
A very small example of disparaging is when my 21 year old son tells me something like "It doesn't work like that" and then goes on to tell me how I got it wrong, after I have explained something.
I recognize an impulsive self-righteous and defensive feeling arise, like a little heat in the chest. With practice I have learned to pause before responding. This is setting down the habitual mind. It is so powerful. Some inner dialogue and skillful views I access in this pause might be, as you say Koshin, What else is true? This is curiosity. This is non duality, both/and. Another inner voice might say, I never thought of it that way. This is letting down the defensive guard, allowing. Another inner voice might say, I feel like I'm being told I'm dumb and that doesn't feel good. This is sitting with discomfort. This is working with preferences.
All of this intimacy is only possible because of zazen. Without zazen I'm not sure I would recognize the need to pause. Or, I would recogzine the need a bit too late. In fact, both these things are true and I experience them all the time, even with the zazen practice. And they are teachers and doorways, too.
I think it will be very powerful for me to reflect on disparaging others. I will take some time to meditate on that. I believe that is much more painful than being disparaged. So embarrassing! And I'll definitely have an impulse to explain and excuse it, I predict.
Thank you for this opportunity to slow down and wake up together.
Intimacy without interruption…this teaching captures my breath, my senses, and opens my heartmind to what is possible, to uncertainty and listening with every heartbeat what might be true beyond my understanding.
I think of the Artemis II crew “out of their minds” when addressing the public with so few words and irrepressible intimacy with one another, beyond anything previously known.
Thank you for the challenges this teaching brings and for the sweetness it offers in this helter shelter life. We are finding our way together.
I am deeply touched by the shared intimacy of you and Chodo in that beautiful moment - abiding peace and love in the flow….
Deep bows for touching the heartstrings of this life 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
"Let's practice together"... the next two paragraphs move me so much. I'm hanging them up so I'm reminded of your words and the invitation within them. Thank you so much for everything you share with us!
I've been disparaged and I've participated in disparagement. By disparagement I mean non-constructive character assassination, not honest feedback that is less than glowing and it hurts my ego or someone else's. While I can't control or always fully know what makes someone disparage me (though I can try and ask), I can reflect on my experience of being the offender, which is probably a more useful endeavor, particularly the emotional state that precedes the action. Digging around in my body/psyche, there's usually a deep sense of hurt, maybe a feeling of helplessness, lack of control over something, or feeling unacknowledged or unloved in some way, maybe envy or a sense of desperation or of deep longing and an abstract sense of urgency. Like my survival is at stake. Attacking is such a primitive response to feeling threatened and it just perpetuates itself. More anger, more shame. But acknowledging my deeper feelings and motives, to myself or out loud, helps me to give some grace to others and keeps me humble because my feelings aren't special; they're pretty universal. If I'm experiencing an emotion, chances are millions of others are, too. I also want to acknowledge identifying in some ways with being subject to a certain level of expectation. People will project all sorts of things. My husband and I are both RNs. People assume things about him and his personality that aren't quite accurate. And about me that also aren't accurate. We are not the completely selfless nurturing martyr-angels that people want to believe we are. In a way, that stereotype or fantasy feels equally as destructive and harmful as character assassination.
Interestingly, I'm having difficulty coming up with a time I have disparaged or someone has disparaged me. I'm wondering if this, like childbirth, is so painful that I choose to not remember?
A very small example of disparaging is when my 21 year old son tells me something like "It doesn't work like that" and then goes on to tell me how I got it wrong, after I have explained something.
I recognize an impulsive self-righteous and defensive feeling arise, like a little heat in the chest. With practice I have learned to pause before responding. This is setting down the habitual mind. It is so powerful. Some inner dialogue and skillful views I access in this pause might be, as you say Koshin, What else is true? This is curiosity. This is non duality, both/and. Another inner voice might say, I never thought of it that way. This is letting down the defensive guard, allowing. Another inner voice might say, I feel like I'm being told I'm dumb and that doesn't feel good. This is sitting with discomfort. This is working with preferences.
All of this intimacy is only possible because of zazen. Without zazen I'm not sure I would recognize the need to pause. Or, I would recogzine the need a bit too late. In fact, both these things are true and I experience them all the time, even with the zazen practice. And they are teachers and doorways, too.
I think it will be very powerful for me to reflect on disparaging others. I will take some time to meditate on that. I believe that is much more painful than being disparaged. So embarrassing! And I'll definitely have an impulse to explain and excuse it, I predict.
Thank you for this opportunity to slow down and wake up together.
"taking refuge in our horror"? Maybe you dictated this and that's how it transcribed "hara"?
Intimacy without interruption…this teaching captures my breath, my senses, and opens my heartmind to what is possible, to uncertainty and listening with every heartbeat what might be true beyond my understanding.
I think of the Artemis II crew “out of their minds” when addressing the public with so few words and irrepressible intimacy with one another, beyond anything previously known.
Thank you for the challenges this teaching brings and for the sweetness it offers in this helter shelter life. We are finding our way together.
I am deeply touched by the shared intimacy of you and Chodo in that beautiful moment - abiding peace and love in the flow….
Deep bows for touching the heartstrings of this life 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
"Let's practice together"... the next two paragraphs move me so much. I'm hanging them up so I'm reminded of your words and the invitation within them. Thank you so much for everything you share with us!
Love this!
I've been disparaged and I've participated in disparagement. By disparagement I mean non-constructive character assassination, not honest feedback that is less than glowing and it hurts my ego or someone else's. While I can't control or always fully know what makes someone disparage me (though I can try and ask), I can reflect on my experience of being the offender, which is probably a more useful endeavor, particularly the emotional state that precedes the action. Digging around in my body/psyche, there's usually a deep sense of hurt, maybe a feeling of helplessness, lack of control over something, or feeling unacknowledged or unloved in some way, maybe envy or a sense of desperation or of deep longing and an abstract sense of urgency. Like my survival is at stake. Attacking is such a primitive response to feeling threatened and it just perpetuates itself. More anger, more shame. But acknowledging my deeper feelings and motives, to myself or out loud, helps me to give some grace to others and keeps me humble because my feelings aren't special; they're pretty universal. If I'm experiencing an emotion, chances are millions of others are, too. I also want to acknowledge identifying in some ways with being subject to a certain level of expectation. People will project all sorts of things. My husband and I are both RNs. People assume things about him and his personality that aren't quite accurate. And about me that also aren't accurate. We are not the completely selfless nurturing martyr-angels that people want to believe we are. In a way, that stereotype or fantasy feels equally as destructive and harmful as character assassination.