I was raised in a tragic home environment. My mother was mentally ill (bipolar; pathological narcissism). My father was an alcoholic. (The two conditions were linked.)
I remember my mother threatening suicide back when I was just 8. Then, during my parents' almost physical fights, she would walk back to my bedroom and ask me to come out -- I guess to serve as a witness? I developed adult-child syndrome because I was asked, from the age of 12, to serve as a kind of witness/marriage counselor to my parents. Every day was lived in tension, wondering if my mother was going to have one of her fits that day or not.
So, the terror I most remember was simply the terror of living there. Non-stop stress and fear. Every day.
Years of psychotherapy helped. But it is no accident that all four of my parents' children became alcoholics. I coped that way for many years though am not currently drinking. Sobriety has helped me achieve more equilibrium in my life.
Through time and patience with myself. I recognized that my mother did the best she could with the tools she had…sometimes someone uses a sledgehammer to tighten a screw because they don’t have a screwdriver and all they know how to use is a sledgehammer.
(Analogy not real world abuse)
None of us know the trauma or stress or moment to moment struggles someone else has has or is facing. Holding all in space and grace has helped me navigate situations and relationships with wise speech (sometimes wise silence) wise action wise view and wise thought. We’ve all been hurt and all hurt others, but in truly being led by the truths of the dharma and seeing all beings as just like me in that way, I walk easier lighter and seek to know no enemies.
I'm very sorry you had to experience that! My heart aches reading about your experience. Human beings can be so terrible (and paradoxically also so wonderful).
I have been a paramedic for over 20 years. I am currently on stress leave. For years, I went from tragedy to tragedy, without time to feel or process what I experienced. The only way I could keep going on was to put my feelings in a tiny box deep inside me so I could respond to the next tragedy. Eventually I couldn't hold it all in. But now, finally, I have the time and space to sit with all these feelings and memories inside me. I have waves of intense sadness and anger, and then I come back to the breath and the grounding feeling of my body sitting in the now. And very slowly, I feel myself healing.
You didn't come into this world to repeat days. You came to transform them.
There's something inside you that never goes out, even if you sometimes silence it. A fire. A voice. A certainty. That thing you feel when everything is calm and you remember: "I'm made for more."
What if today were the first day of the rest of your life? What would you change? What would you choose to stop putting off?
💭 What you put off weighs you down. 💡 What you face frees you.
Your purpose isn't a distant goal. It's a daily practice: being authentic, present, and courageous, even when no one is looking.
It's no longer time to slumber. It's time to live awake.
🎯 If this resonated with you, don't ignore it. Join those who are consciously awakening, one boost at a time:
I was raised in a tragic home environment. My mother was mentally ill (bipolar; pathological narcissism). My father was an alcoholic. (The two conditions were linked.)
I remember my mother threatening suicide back when I was just 8. Then, during my parents' almost physical fights, she would walk back to my bedroom and ask me to come out -- I guess to serve as a witness? I developed adult-child syndrome because I was asked, from the age of 12, to serve as a kind of witness/marriage counselor to my parents. Every day was lived in tension, wondering if my mother was going to have one of her fits that day or not.
So, the terror I most remember was simply the terror of living there. Non-stop stress and fear. Every day.
Years of psychotherapy helped. But it is no accident that all four of my parents' children became alcoholics. I coped that way for many years though am not currently drinking. Sobriety has helped me achieve more equilibrium in my life.
Through time and patience with myself. I recognized that my mother did the best she could with the tools she had…sometimes someone uses a sledgehammer to tighten a screw because they don’t have a screwdriver and all they know how to use is a sledgehammer.
(Analogy not real world abuse)
None of us know the trauma or stress or moment to moment struggles someone else has has or is facing. Holding all in space and grace has helped me navigate situations and relationships with wise speech (sometimes wise silence) wise action wise view and wise thought. We’ve all been hurt and all hurt others, but in truly being led by the truths of the dharma and seeing all beings as just like me in that way, I walk easier lighter and seek to know no enemies.
Sensei Koshin,
I'm very sorry you had to experience that! My heart aches reading about your experience. Human beings can be so terrible (and paradoxically also so wonderful).
I have been a paramedic for over 20 years. I am currently on stress leave. For years, I went from tragedy to tragedy, without time to feel or process what I experienced. The only way I could keep going on was to put my feelings in a tiny box deep inside me so I could respond to the next tragedy. Eventually I couldn't hold it all in. But now, finally, I have the time and space to sit with all these feelings and memories inside me. I have waves of intense sadness and anger, and then I come back to the breath and the grounding feeling of my body sitting in the now. And very slowly, I feel myself healing.
Thank you.
Deb
Amazing….
🔥 3minboost – Awaken Your Purpose
You didn't come into this world to repeat days. You came to transform them.
There's something inside you that never goes out, even if you sometimes silence it. A fire. A voice. A certainty. That thing you feel when everything is calm and you remember: "I'm made for more."
What if today were the first day of the rest of your life? What would you change? What would you choose to stop putting off?
💭 What you put off weighs you down. 💡 What you face frees you.
Your purpose isn't a distant goal. It's a daily practice: being authentic, present, and courageous, even when no one is looking.
It's no longer time to slumber. It's time to live awake.
🎯 If this resonated with you, don't ignore it. Join those who are consciously awakening, one boost at a time:
👉 subscribe to https://3minboost.substack.com/publish/home
— 3minboost
Ps…and I hike and walk and do yoga and stay very active…stills my mind!